I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.