I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.