I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?