To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!