I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

The message of great art is to disturb.

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.