I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.