I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'

I’ve thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.