I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.
Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.