I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!

People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.