Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

I’ve thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.