Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

As for being a voice in politics, I feel whether you are famous or not, busy or not, it's incumbent upon every citizen to participate in this government in any way we can.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.