Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?