Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'