You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.

Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.