You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.