You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.