You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.