I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'