Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'

I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?