I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

Many animal rescue organizations hit with a hard-core, heartbreaking message. Their videos and stories can become difficult for average people to watch. By taking a more positive, heartwarming approach to animal rescue, I've been able to engage people and keep them engaged for years. Instead of selling the agony and misery - and sadly, there is no shortage of that - I start with the happy endings. I work backwards so the first message they get is joy and success due to their involvement. Opening the mind with humor and joy gets the rescue message in that much deeper.

My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.