What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'