My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.