I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.