Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.