My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.

While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.