My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.