There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.