There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

Horse racing is waning in popularity.

Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.