There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.