There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.