I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself throughout my life, without the limitations on intellectual curiosity a formal education can impose. I followed what interested me.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.