I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.