I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

The message of great art is to disturb.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.