I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.