Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.