When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded.

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.