A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.