I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'