I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.