My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?