My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.