President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!

I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.