President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.