You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.

Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.