For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.