I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.