I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.

The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.