When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.