I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.