My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.