My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'