My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.