My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.