Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.