Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.