The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".