I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?