I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.