I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.