I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.