I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.