Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!