Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.