Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.