Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.