The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.