I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.