I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.