I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.