I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'