I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.