I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!