I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.