I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.