I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.