I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".