I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."