I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.