I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.