I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.