I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.