I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.