I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.