I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.