I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.