I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.