I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.