I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.