I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.