I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.