I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'