I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.