I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.