I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.