I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.