I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.