I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.