I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.