I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.