I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.