My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.