My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.