My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.