My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.