The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".