I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.