I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.