I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.