I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.