I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.