I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?