I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.