I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.