I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.